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Tuesday, January 27, 2009

I heart Zoinks

Oh, it has been way too long since I've written a Z Gallerie post. You were gettin' a little shaky, weren't you? Well, the merchandising savants at Zoinks dropped a little Valentine in my email today. A Valentine gift guide to be exact. So I moseyed on over to check it out...

Nothing, and I mean nothing, says sweet lovin' like a tired beat down wrung out bedazzled Mall of America trend. You may be wondering what delicate scent emanates from such an exquisite ebony glass vessel. It's cigarettes and dangley car air freshener "an enticing blend of tobacco, vanilla and cherry aroma." Mmmmm. Romance.

"For daring couples who have a sweet tooth and want to satisfy all their cravings," Zoinks offers the Body Talk Chocolate Tattoo kit. Stencils and chocolate frosting? It sounds more like a Martha Stewart "Very Special Cupcakes" episode than a steamy erotic interlude.

And what do you think of when you hear the words "Valentine's Day?" I mean after "romance" and "love" and "devotion." Sophomoric humor, right? Fool your beloved this February 14th with what looks like an enormous jewelry box.

What ever could it be? A thick bejeweled bangle? A heavy gold and gemstone necklace? An enormous pair of chandelier earrings that sparkle in the candlelight?

No, it's a ceramic mug whose mini-handle is made to look like a 2-carat diamond ring. Oh, that's hilarious. No really. The funniest thing ever.

A word of advice from Mrs. Obvious. If your significant other presents you with a gift box from Z Gallerie this Valentine's Day, hit him over the head with it and then set it on fire. The box, not the guy. That's a felony, I believe.

12 comments:

only a movie said...

Ooooh, that's some extra special crap there. Gag gifts are from the 10th circle of hell.

hello gorgeous said...

Yay, Mrs. O!

Z-gads, indeed.

Designers' Brew said...

I was just reminiscing about zoinks the other day. Bravo to them. One of these days I'm going to have to stop in the one around the corner and take some pictures of the brick & mortar insanity for you...

Raina said...

How is it they're still in business? Who buys that junk?

karly / design crisis said...

cigarettes and car freshener. ha!

my wedding band actually looks just like that coffee mug ring (gold! with a flush set diamond) when ever i see that mug anywhere online i get a little sad.

karly / design crisis said...

here's a better picture, oh i want to cry:

http://cgi.ebay.com/2-Carat-Cup-Gold-MUG-diamond-ring-tea-coffee-MIP-bling_W0QQitemZ110334905666QQcmdZViewItem

Raina said...

Don't be sad, Miss Karly. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

erin@designcrisis said...

Is Z Gallerie turning into a headshop? Do they also sell crystal bedazzled water bongs and love beads?

Raina said...

I have no idea what happened to Zoinks. A few years ago they used to be an OK source for home accessories. Kind of like Bombay Company but on-trend.

Now it's this weird hot mess of seriously bad wall decor (can't call it "art"), crappy gifts, and just plain gross decorative accessories.

For the life of me, I cannot figure out who their customer is. There are only so many affluent Guidos and Boca Raton Jews* out there.

How Zoinks is hanging on in this economic climate confounds me.

*Being a member of the Tribe, I can say that.

Decorina said...

Raina I love this post. Zoinks indeed... And I'll second the question: Who do they think their customers are????

nkp said...

Aaah, it's back, I've been hoping for a Zoinks post and as usual you delivered. That's a helluva lotta crapolla!

woodley park-zoo said...

Is this stuff overpriced or reasonable for that sort of 'disposable novelty gift because I'm not very creative market'? Because I would not be that surprised to find that there ARE a lot of sad folks who think this stuff is right up their alley.

Or it all ends up at discounters like Ross.