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Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Forever in blue jeans - a rant

I've been putting off buying a new pair of jeans for, oh, forever. While living in New Zealand, I had 95% of my clothing shipped over from the States, because there is no such thing a "tall" sizing in KiwiLand. Imagine an entire country with no clothing choices for women over 5'8". Another reason to love NZ.

This morning, I find myself at Old Navy with an internet coupon burning a hole in my wallet. I get The Pea settled into the coloring book table and turn my attention to the denim wall.

Skipping any skinny fits (AH HA HA HA!), the new "Dreamer" cut catches my eye. It's advertised as having a front panel which slims the tummy. I don't really need such a feature but thought "Hey, a little help never hurts." Well, let me tell you what, Dumplings - Old Navy needs to rename that jean "WideLoadWeensyLegs," because it is made for those women who are shaped like pickel barrels on twigs. You know, the ones with 54HHH boobs and tiny ankles (I've never understood how they don't fall over).

I then investigate the "Weekend." I blame Katie (Kate? Robot model #TC13666?) Holmes for this fuggery. Bleached, holes all over the place, sloppy fit, oh, and pegged ankle rolls thrown in just to mock the short-legged. Yeah, I'm 5'9", but it's all torso.

The "Diva" is aimed at the teens with its low-rise waist (didn't that go out 4 years ago?) and "slim through hip and thigh" fit. I wasn't built like that in the mid-1980s, and I sure as hell don't resemble that body type now. The "Flirt" is for the late 20s/early 30s demographic who no longer feels her asscrack is public property.

And that brings us to the "Sweetheart" - don't you love how the fit names trace the "progression" of a woman's life? Teen "diva" attitude, twenties bar-hopping "flirt," the "sweetheart" who married her guy and birthed the obligatory 2.3, and, lastly, the menopausal schlump who can only "dream" of a time 3 decades past when her gut didn't require spandex restraints.

Anyhoo...I settle on the "Sweetheart," a cut that covers my coinslot and hips while providing my dimpled thighs with a "slightly relaxed fit." And because the retail gods see fit to reward me for my brief excursion into Dante's denim circle, I receive an extra 10% coupon discount on top of the already-reduced sale price.

To bring my blood pressure back down and because I have only one Xanax left in ye olde medicine cabinet, I pick up two pairs of the new yoga pants with front pockets. They have only one fit - "sofa."

10 comments:

Anne (in Reno) said...

Bah. I used to buy all my jeans at ON before they switched to these stupid names. Now I am in between sizes and can barely tolerate any of the cuts. Also they don't all come in long like they used to. ON you have failed me! Glad you had some luck, jeans shopping is horrible!

only a movie said...

One of your funnier posts, dear. I have a pair of Sweetheart jeans - not bad. I just got a pair of "Premium" boot cut curvy something or other at GAP Outlet that fit amazingly well. I just tried to find you a link, but there are too many damn choices.
Anyway, they fit my 44 yr old medium sized butt quite well and don't at all feel like Mom Jeans.

David said...

If it makes you feel any better, boys jeans aren't without issues too. I'm a 31 in Diesel, a 32 in JCrew or Taverniti, and a 33 in Levis. And more and more they're making just one inseam, usually 34, which is about an inch and a half too long.

I was looking on selfedge.com, read that if you really want to lose your mind. Sure it's premium japanese denim, but depending on the treatment and maker the first wash can erase 2.5 inches in the waist and up to 3 in length. Then they tell you how much they'll stretch over say 20 wearings. It's insane.

Emily said...

This cracks me up!! I am 5'1 so my jeans are shortened by about a foot everytime!

nkp said...

Haaaaaaa! I feel your pain, I'm just on the opposite side of the spectrum. 5'1 just barely, with short legs (duh), and what little height there is, is mostly in the torso. In other words, the only way to get the right length without having to alter EVERYTHING is to get capri. Such a pain!

The last line made me cackle out loud. Mr. P said, "what's so funny?" I said, "Raina." He said, "of course!"

Debi said...

yeah - shopping for pants blows. I hate Mommy pants, and finding good petite sizes can be tough!

Raina said...

Hello Emily and welcome to this deliciousness!

Jesselyn said...

I would seriously suggest checking out Kohl's big sale this week. Gloria Vanderbilt jeans have a bunch of different cuts and are great for those of us with guts - but since YOUUUUUU don't seem to HAVE that problem (No, I'm not seething with jealousy...okay maybe a little), try good old Lee's or Levis.

PS - I used to wear ON jeans, and looking at old pictures, they did NOTHING for me. They are pretty crappy compared to the other pants found in that price range (i.e. department store staples like the aformentioned Lee's and Levi's)- I would agree with only a movie in that Gap's jeans are much better.

sherri said...

may have to try some sweethearts for my sweet ginormous ass. so sorry to hear that tummy panel didn't work, my winegut perked up immediately at the description. hilarious post. my WV fatrun. someone is trying to tell me something.

Raina said...

Jesselyn - Thanks for that tip! Will definitely check it out.