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Thursday, June 17, 2010

Don't be an asshole

Dumplings, I'm getting more than a little fed up with the assholery that goes along with blogging. In recent weeks, the amount of rude comments and just plain crazy emails I've been receiving has escalated. I'm now pissed off enough to say something about it.

I am all for polite discourse and if you disagree with something I've said or a photo I've posted, then by all means let's talk about it. But tossing off a "Horrid!" or "Not in my house!" does not further the discussion.

Now you may be thinking,"Hey, Toots, what about 'Your thoughts please'?" I post those provocative spaces because I'm genuinely interested in what you think. Some of them I actually like and some are just a steaming pile of dog shit.

With regards to emails, a couple of issues keep coming up. I love to hear from you Dumplings personally and have been fortunate enough to strike up real friendships with several of La Lamp Shade's followers. But here's the thing, if you and I don't have a personal email relationship don't ask me to guest post for you. It's rude. And if we don't chat off-blog, then don't ask me to source something for you. I get paid to do that.

Which brings up another point. I am an interior designer (who happens to be an at-home Mom at the moment). This is not a "J'adore!" blog. You are getting the opinion of a professional with a degree from a FIDER-accredited university program and over 15 years residential design experience. I know of what I speak.

I appreciate good design no matter the style. True French Country speaks to my heart, but not that Ballard Design bastardization. American Traditional can be awe-inspiring when not reduced to a Country Colonial crapfest. If you disagree with my Boho Contempo style, more power to you but there is no need to be nasty.

So where does this leave us? To be truthful, part of the reason I took a short break last week was to clear my head of the nuttery and assess whether it was worth it to continue this blog. There are so many of you Dumplings whom I cherish, but the few who like to piss in the pool do my head in. So if you feel the need to leave a hateful comment or you're a little bit south of crazy, then just move on. We'll all be better for it.




susieq said...

Tell it, sister.

melissa said...

Raina I'm really sorry. It was an off the cuff response to stuff I don't like - never been into cutesy animal stuff. I said "horrid!" in the same way that I'd quickly say "fabulous!", honestly no more than that. I didn't mean to make you feel got at or insulted. And I certainly didn't mean it to be considered a hateful comment. I'm terribly sorry you feel that it is. I'll repeat this comment on your other post and then I'll get out of your hair.
I think its the first time I've ever been called an asshole, let alone in big orange letters, and it's a chastening experience.

Raina Cox said...

Melissa - This post wasn't directed at you. Please do not take it that way.

Sketch42 said...

Wowsa. It must have been just a bit more than a "horrid" to make you react this strongly.

Raina- I have had worse esperiences! Sometimes a reader will email me with a question. I answer it thoughtfully and in depth with an email or a blog post and the bastards DONT EVEN reply!!! That's crazy! In one case, someone I know vaguely asked me to help them with paint colors. I went to their house to help them and then sent a follow up email to which they never replied!

Fn nuts. I say ignore the assholes and focus on the ones that consider you the barameter for good taste.

Scarlett said...

Good for you! On of the "not-so-great-things" about blogging is, you let the bad in with the good. People feel more open to be brash and let their thoughts flow a little to freely. We all tend to say things we wouldn't normally in a face to face conversation. I think you have brought forth a good reminder that you cannot always be so "cheeky" when posting your comments. If someone takes offense to what you have said, then maybe they should question their responses twice before posting. I don't even know you, but am proud of you taking your stand!

ita darling. said...

don't you wish you could hand pick your followers? like with an application system or something? your taste is magnificent, your sense of self and humor tumble across the page. and you're my favorite thing to read hung over.

The Shiny Pebble said...

And a VERY talented designer at that!!!

I am sorry you have run into the crazies lately.

The good thing is that most people have an internal barometer and can judge an ass spot on.

You are a wonderful and lovely woman and an amazing blogger. I very selfishly hope that blogging remains a fun thing for you.

A great big hug!


David said...

That sound you hear is the sharpening of pitchforks all across the land. =)

nkp said...

Amen, Girlfriend.

Your words brought me here way back when and have always kept me coming back for more.

my favorite and my best said...

shit man.
i get that too!! haters. greedy fuckers. the whole lot of 'em.
one time someone solicited i run their cool little stop short animation thing..and it was really really cool and i was thrilled to get the word out about them..but not even so much as a thank you. i even took the time to email them personally and ask them what was up? no reply. nothing.
as for the people who come to your blog to question your style and taste. i guess it's all part and parcel. comes with the territory. part of the game of blogging. and yes, the more popular you become the more weirdos you will get.
remember ann from the tard/turd debacle? she straight up hated and berated MFAMB. once i changed it to "turd" she actually emailed me this cuh-RAZY email that said essentially, "hey!!! can u tell me how to follow your blog? i really think your awesome and funny (when that morning she told me my blog wasn't funny in it's conception OR execution)but i can't figure it out. also you should have painted your chairs first before you had them reupholstered, it will be impossible to do it now...blah blah...fucking crazy!!!
i think it's ok to post your anger. it's your blog. but i think at the end of the day we just have to ignore these assholes.
i love you like paula deen loves a butter sandwich.

anita @ a dreamer's den said...

you rock. plain and simple.

helen said...

Don't let the bastards grind you down. This is the only blog I cannot resist.

As for free advice/sourcing, straight after giving birth, my perineum in a bucket beside me, the midwife glanced at my notes, saw I was a lawyer and asked if I could tell her what her divorcing boyfriend could do. When I demurred, she said "don't worry I'll get a pen and paper and you can write it down". How I laughed.

phillip said...

Amen!!! Yours is one of the few I read because there is some integrity to your posts. Keep up the good work.


Anne (in Reno) said...

I have been a fan of your blog for a while now, and I think it is your personable style of writing that makes your readers feel like they know you better than you do. I drool over your design blogger meetups and fantasize about asking you to solve my design issues but would never dare to do so as I realize that I don't actually know you ;) So I can see where they're coming from but I am sorry they don't have the tact to realize that you don't know them or owe them anything.

But someday I will hire you to decorate my wackadoodle house. For proper money and whatnot, I swear. And I promise I won't call anything "hideous!" without expounding/explaining. Or at least, not being an asshole. Cross my heart.

Champagne Taste said...

i love ur blog and i adore u n what i love is the most is that u dont play it safe ... i havent gottn ne negative comments thank god i may not b able to act lady like in my response lol i have lost somw twittee followers though haha who thw hell cares!? well just tell thwm to kick rocks kiss ass n keep it movin ;) kisses

Jessica said...

well shit and I thought you were just lounging by the pool!

thank you for calling the assholes out and not bailing on this adventure - I would miss your presence out here in the blogosphere, I really would

Tara Dillard said...

Your talent & what you are doing with your blog is bigger than the little minds leaving negative comments.

Soooooo big is your talent, little minds feel free to push up against the 'rock' of education/entertainent you give.

A complement, yes?

Garden & Be Well, XO Tara

Sketch42 said...

Hun, you think this is bad? Go read the revolting spectacle of who could be more evil on Godammit Im Mad. Poor Sister Wolf just lost her son and evil commenters come in and criticizes her. Then her loyal followers start a witch hunt... the whole thing was just plain ugly.

Jeannine @ Small and Chic said...

Some of these people remind me of a few college friends who just couldn't be friends with the people who changed (read: grew up) after school. If you don't agree on something, it's over.

So, perhaps the passion you show for design and your willingness to be a critic and not *swoon* over everything that has been deemed right by the design blogsphere is being misinterpreted. These people think that if we can't agree, then we aren't friends and the anonymity of the internet allows not being friends to lead to nastiness and rivalry.

Or maybe I'm over thinking it and they are just nasty. Or maybe I'm just babbling.

I will say this: When the number of unread items in my blog reader is unbearable and I hit "mark all read" there are a handful of blogs that I visit to read. Yours is one of them because I know I will find something interesting and original here.


What in the world is happening? I've been away and then dealing with a different type of assholery (content scraping) and I come back to find this? There are days when the whole blogging thing really turns me off too so I can definitely relate. I'm sorry the crazies are bringing you down. Hopefully, they will move along like you said. xoxo

david john said...


Good points you bring up! I come here because your talents and you make me laugh, and your ability to have fun. Don't let the crazies pull you down.

Don't waste your time with those negative comments. I adore your blog, and what you put out into the world. Your blog is unique and amazing, and people want a piece of you.

Just had to say that.

Keep it up! And when I come to town, the first few rounds are on me!

brismod said...

I really enjoy your commentary on all things design. It is interesting, informative and also entertaining.

Sharon @ Real Estate Resuscitation said...

I am not believing anyone would send you rude messages. Seriously. Wow. A friend of mine that I used to work with that is now a senator in the state legislature in NC used to say to each other all the time, "People are somethin'" (please include a southern drawl here). I think that saying applies in this situation. I personally can speak to your talent from shopping in your store (unfortunately, my pocketbook only allowed more the window than actual shopping at the time).

Here is another funny something. I bought a pair of corduroy leopard print from your store one time. They are really pretty despite how the description sounds. They are the one pair of pants in my closet that I keep hanging around that are my "I SWEAR I will fit into the pants again one day" pants. Now that I virtually know you through your blog I HAVE to fit back into those pants one day!

Leigh Chandler said...

Just look at all of the support above! You have the best sense of humor and such terrric design talent and there is just something so lurvable about you! It would be a real tragedy if you stopped blogging unless you simply decided to go back to design full time. I would truly miss you!

drollgirl said...

EEEEE. i hope i have not induced your wrath. i am sorry if i have written anything that seemed too awful. very sorry.

Tonia @Chic Modern Vintage said...

Raina, what in the world is going on?? I've been kinda out of touch with trying to get my stuff together and doing a little traveling. I for sure understand how you feel with people asking you to something for free that you get paid for. Just breathe, and don't worry about other people, but I understand you have to pull that box out and stand on it to say what you have to say. You have to stand my your word!

Keri Batchelder Hoffman said...

Whoa. I don't usually read the comments but never would have imagined. Personally, I think the world is a brighter place with your blog in it. Rock on sista.

Kate said...

I visit you every day, thinking you're one of the like minded people that I get. Sometimes I don't agree. Whatever. Plenty of people don't agree w/my crazy bus ways either.
So what, I say, free country. Love you, please keep blogging. You've a great sense of humor and a breath of fresh air in a world of shabby. Power to the "I keep a fully stocked bar in my house" followers.

Mrs Woog said...

Dear Lampy
I was sad when I read you were having a break and you may or may not be back!

So glad you started again and I bet you feel better having got all that off your chest. I have had a few not-so-nice comments and it can be off putting, but you owe it to us (your readers) to tell them to fark off and keep on inspiring us and making us giggle.

autrichenoire said...

I have been reading your blog for two years now and only recently gathered courage to pipe in.I really hope i have not been assholey because i consider la lamp as required reading in my educamation in all things design.Your awesome style gives me something to aspire to.If you pack it up then who shall i stalk? it a good thing that we are oceans apart!

inappropriate gropes

Sandy K (Aus) said...

Love all you do Raina. Don't let the bastards get you down.

You have so much support. You truly are a unique voice in the design blog land and an absolute inspiration.

Laura @ EdenRose said...

Yep, having a blog is like putting an advert out to all the residents of crazy town to visit and email you strange things. As for comments, I too am also sorry if I have insulted anything you Like and gone too far. Being a judgmental interior design oppinionated oddball lands me in the shit sometimes. I love your style and blog btw. Please don't leave us :(

erin@designcrisis said...

Holy shitstorm!

Blogging is definitely fuckface central -- I'm super tired of all the gossipy backstabbing social networking bullshit. And the content theft! And the guest blogging requests! And the other assorted asshattery that comes through our inbox. It makes me consider quitting on a daily basis.

But you can't quit. Sorry. I don't have much time to read any blogs these days, but I check yours all da time.


Raina Cox said...

Thank you all for your support, it's appreciated more than you know.

If your comment is still up here, we're cool.

If you are one of the handful of dumbasses who either cannot read English or just cannot overcome your troll-ish nature, then your comment has been deleted.

This a blog not a democracy.

Naomi@ThirteenandSouth said...

WOW. I love the honesty, Raina. And I'm sorry you have to deal with such crap.

As I am a wee-little blogger, I don't have to deal with such stuff. And I'd never want to!! Blogs do seem to be filled with a shit-ton of self promotion, networking, giveaways and Crap. It seriously turns me off. I know its the name of the game, but still...
Take a break from time to time, if you need it. And just know, that your blog brightens my life, daily.


Laura @ EdenRose said...

"This a blog not a democracy"

You could market that!! XX

hush said...

Ugh... when people fail to say thank you, even via a stupid little email that would take 5 seconds of their precious time, it really fucking bothers me.

Care to shame them publicly? (I kid.)

Thank you, Raina, for being a rare voice & talent out there on the internets!

Eff you, haters & ingrates!

The Down East Dilettante said...

Oh dear, oh mercy me! If it wasn't Melissa, it must have been me! And here I thought I was just being witty and concise with those one word answers!

Seriously, nicely put, and agreed. So far, still a-building my minor fan base, I've been mostly rude comment free (although a couple of my innocently intended comments on other blogs have REEEEALLLY brought out the crazies, making me almost afraid to go out of the house after).

Sol Kawage said...

oh dear...

I'm just happy you are back...

decor muse said...

alas, i fear i may have been one to cause upset, certainly not deliberate. I did post comment re a kitchen you liked and i did not. i thought i was polite but to the point. when you say 'discuss' ala Decorno, i assumed you encourage opinion, even if it did not coincide with your own - free and open discussion - it helped make Decorno's blog great. and whilst occasionally comments were bitchy generally the debate was entertaining and definitely part of the reason she had such a following. i am not sure what has upset you, it must be more than simply an alternative view...especially when the images are the creation of another designer. don't become one of those boring blogs that only post fawning, sycophantic, love you comments. keep it spirited! like it or not, comments are often an integral component of a lively blog. don't take it personally - take a leaf from Girl World Decor - she couldn't give a flying f..k what the comment said.

Raina Cox said...

Decor Muse - Alas, you are not the reason I wrote the post. I don't even remember what kitchen post to which you refer.

I don't care what anyone writes in the comments as long as it is insightful. I am as turned off by a "Pretty!" as I am by an "Awful!" Both show a lack of intelligence, curiosity, and reasoning.

Thank you for the lecture on how MY blog should be managed. If the manner in which I run it bothers you so much, perhaps you shouldn't return.

Louise (Table Tonic) said...

Stay cool, Raina. Deep breaths, positive vibes, and caffeine. Alcohol even.
There will always be haters.

Jill said...

I hope this asshole behavior doesn't discourage you completely from the blogging world. Your blog is one of my favorites. I may have been one to type "pretty" before. Only so that I've made a comment and must run off to the other "favorite/smart" blogs I follow. I allow myself a 2 hour window in the mornings for all things blogging. From 5:30am (don't ask why I wake up at that ungodly's a very provincial marriage I'm a member) to 7:30am. Then, I'm off of the computer for the rest of the day. Unless, its insomnia night, of course. That special bane of my existence.

Keep up the great design!


Rosanna said...

No matter what a blogger (or a consultant) does, for free or for pay, there is ALWAYS going to be people out there who will disagree and call it horrid, and add "not in my house" (or "not in my wedding" or "not in my business" etc etc).
When you blog, you put your opinions, tastes and dislikes out in the clear. Some people will like them and agree with you, some won't. It's part of the game, something you (generic, as a blogger) need to consider before you (generic again) start blogging. The same goes for when we (generic again) voice our religious, political or whatsoever opinion. Voicing it out comes with being ok at the backlash. I'm NOT saying it's ok to be bashed. I'm saying it will happen and saying "shut up" isn't going to make it easier. Delete those comments asap, or get all the comments approved before posting, or block the persons who bother you from reaching your emailbox. But, telling "you are rude" isn't going to deter them so what's the point? If anything, to some ears it might sound like a kindergarten kid calling up a parent to get defended. Believe in yourself and brush the criticism off. Ultimately the worth of your work lays in what YOU think of it, not in what somebody else says to please you and/or appeal to your ego. Many many many times I call Vera Wang's design boring, or Ungaro's trashy. It's true that they are more successful and famous than me. They might even have studied more and hold a dozen degrees and several pounds of golden awards. But so what??? I still don't like them. They shouldn't be hurt by my not liking them exactly the way I shouldn't get insensed by their latest design. And PC isn't going to solve the issue either. Be yourself and learn not to give a damn about what others think, whether you are a blogger or a reader it doesn't really matters... it's life.

Raina Cox said...


I seem to have written too many words for some of the simpler people to be able to grasp.

So here is the post distilled into two sentences:

"I am all for polite discourse and if you disagree with something I've said or a photo I've posted, then by all means let's talk about it. [I]f you feel the need to leave a hateful comment or you're a little bit south of crazy, then just move on."

AGAIN - It's a blog, not a democracy.

only a movie said...

Ms. Raina, your writing is so stellar that you have me more interested in design than I'd ever dreamed I'd be.

Also - I told my 14 year old: this family is not a democracy at least 14 times today.

Love you lots.

only a movie said...

Dreamt? Dreamed? Damn, is wine-enhanced commenting permitted? xo

decor muse said...

You missed the point. The way you run your blog does not bother me. If you are disinclined to engage in debate on your blog, when inviting discussion (ie "Discuss") perhaps it would be better to invite the reader to "Agree" as you are clearly more comfortable with that.

I will continue to visit your blog. After Decorno's demise there is little space in the blogosphere for interesting debate on decor matters - and I did have high hopes for you ITLF.

Lausi said...

You know from my experiences, the best way to deal with nutter comments and rude postings is to IGNORE them. A lot of people think that the internet is a manner-free-space, forgetting that they're still interacting with real people who deserve respect.

Please don't let it get to you. Your blog is FABULOUS and I really don't get why people are rude or sending hate mail etc. Just MOVE ON. I mean, if I come across something I don't like, there're plenty of other sites out there to check. Why spend time to bring down others, just because I see something I might not like?!?! *is puzzled*

Again.. I ADORE your blog and I hope you won't let this get into your way of sharing things with others who appreciate your thoughtful and inspirational posts.

Raina Cox said...

Decor muse - You crack me up.

Lausi - Thank you.

longlist said...

So glad you're not giving up on us! In a sea of femme-y design blogs (which I also enjoy), ITLSF is a true stand out. Love your glam modern style, love your writing.

Raina Cox said...

Longlist - Hello and welcome to this deliciousness! And thank you.

Camilla @ Designalogue Blog said...

Feel the love- the blogosphere NEEDS you!

Anonymous said...

I am an interior designer

And yet you have never published your client work.

Raina Cox said...

Anon - Since I don't allow anonymous commenting, you went to all of the trouble to register yourself to leave a nasty comment? How lame are you?

I respect my clients' privacy and do not publish my work.

Feel free to check out the "Barbie Dream House" tag for photos of my own house.