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Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Vogue magazine just called you "fat"

Shoes so amazing, you'll float.

The January issue of Vogue has the most passive-aggressive article I've ever come across in its pages - "Step It Up: How to cover fresh ground this spring." The editrixes of fashion's Bible want you to know there has been a sea change in footwear, and you had better be gettin' on board. Say good-bye to the sky-high wedges and platforms of the past few years and get ready to get your early Aughts on.

Single soles.

The "single sole," best championed by the Carrie Bradshaw character in Sex and The City, is where it's at (once again). And Vogue is going to pull every mean girl trick in the book to get you to replace your entire closet of shoes. (They're to the fashion industry what the NRA is to munitions manufacturers).

First, Vogue tells you your current footwear choice makes you look fat: "The platform tends to enlarge the lower end of our bodies."

Scissor sisters platform sisters.

Then they pull out the big guns, Carrie's patron saint Manolo Blahnik, to let you know you've been walking like a dyke: "They transform the way a woman walks: in heavy platforms like truck drivers, in my shoes like ballerinas."

 "You exist for my amusement."

And because you're merely decorative, Vogue lets you know your raison d'etre has secretly found you repulsive for the last half decade: "Men don't like platforms - they find them totally unsexy."

"No, you look ah-mazing!!"

Now that you're questioning your very sartorial existence, they back off and coo that the new/old style will make you sexier than you ever imagined possible: "There is something animal is the [single-sole] look - you feel the curve of the foot."

You are strongly urged not to return to your frankenshoe ways, even though vertical challenges and pain are your new daily crosses to bear: "Don't give in just because you miss the height and comfort!"

"Did you see the cankles on that wedge-wearing heifer?!"

And if the previous arguments fail to persuade (per-suede?) you, Vogue will call you a fatty boombalatty again: "I feel that when your shoe is big and clunky, you can look a bit bigger."

Really, you must applaud them for their honesty.


Margaret said...

My mom loathed it when petite women wore large pumps (we're talking some 40 years ago). She'd exclaim, "She looks like Minnie Mouse!"

I still hear that sounding in my head while attempting to toddle in a pair of my daughter's platform stilettos. said...

The mind - it boggleth.

Kay said...

You posted about "stripper" shoes nearly 2 years ago, and since then the style just got more and more mainstream, to my surprise. Now Vogue has declared it over, at last. I am pleased, and greatly amused by the way the declaration was made. Very funny post! Thanks for the de-brief, as I rarely read Vogue and would have missed this.

Raina Cox said...

Kay - My mind is blown that you remember that post. Those were some ugly YSL shoes that, I believe, came with a free bottle of brass polish.

Lausi said...

Oh I love this post! Thanks for your thoughts on that matter I had a good laugh reading this. The Vogue/NRA comparison was hilarious.

Greetings from a "fat-looking-friend" from across the pond.

Must run now and burn my ugly shoes....