Wednesday, August 28, 2013
Dumplings, you may have been wondering why the spotty posting and dearth of snarky rants. I have just wrapped the longest, cruelest summer of real estate chicanery in the history of ever. We listed the Barbie Dream House in May with a pair of realtors from a fancy pants company. Their only goal was to convince us to sell as quickly as possible for the lowest price.
The first offer was made by a couple who owns a showroom at the Denver Design District. They had six months left on an apartment lease and wanted us to stay in our house paying them a rent 50% higher than our current mortgage. Our dopey realtors thought it was a marvelous idea.
The second offer was made a week later by a very young couple relocating from Texas. The inspection turned up a leaky outside faucet and some roof shingles blown off in a recent storm. The inspector scared the bejeesus out of the buyers by mentioning cedar shake roofs aren't covered by many insurance companies. They called out two roofers for repair estimates. One found about $500 worth of storm damage. The other said our 3-year-old roof was in shambles and had to be replaced immediately. He offered the names of two other roofing companies to back up his findings. (I found out later the owners of all three companies are related.) I had no idea roofers could pull such scams. The buyers flipped the hell out and demanded a new roof be put on immediately. We told them to take a flying eff. Our realtors thought we were nuts.
We fired them a few days later.
Seemingly within moments of hiring our new Wonder Realtor, we had a third offer. From a man who owned a roofing company. He was a complete jackass to deal with, but it turned out the third time was the charm. So to speak.
We were finally free of our decrepit neighbors (we did not know when we purchased the BDH that the neighborhood was a de facto retirement community). The HOA president is 92 years old and called me by his current wife's name. He calls her by his first wife's name.
- suggested we build a cage enclosing our back patio so The Pea could not "escape" the house.
- tried to pass a covenant stating residents and guests had to be 16 years old to step off any back patio when we nixed the zoo idea.
- after a disagreement about their skanky pool guests were discovered the next morning encouraging their dog to defecate on our patio.
I'm leaving out the incontinent neighbor who would poop in the pool and blame it on The Pea. Or the one with dementia who left a small gift for The Pea on what she thought was our front door step, only to call a week later cursing me out for not thanking her. It turns out the gift had been left on a neighbor's porch.
So a mere two years after buying the BDH, we began working towards unloading it. It's been a very long, very hard journey. I stopped posting about our house because I couldn't muster the enthusiasm. We plowed every extra cent into renovations and upgrades (the house had been a complete pit when we bought it), making selections based on resale value not love.
We set our sights on the foothills of Denver. Close enough to cut LB's commute time by 75% and yet far enough from the madding crowds to offer us the peace we craved.
We moved this past weekend into an incredible home with mountain views and enough fauna to keep us running to the windows exclaiming "Did you see that?!?"
Tomorrow I will share photos...